The Trouble with Conversation:

A non-fiction book by Fletcher Kovich

 

Synopsis

The first chapter is a personal and frank account of my childhood experiences that eventually compelled me to write the book. It describes my hatred of my father, what caused this and how the process of writing this book transformed my understanding of him and even began to dispel my deeply held bad feelings towards him. During childhood, from an early age I became aware of the lack of communication in my family home. I found this curious, but this was just the start of the problems. I was also aware of the complete lack of affection from either parent, and, in its place, behaviour that I considered brutal and inhuman—in the treatment of my mother by my father, and in both parents’ treatment of us (their children). There was also an endless parade of peculiar behaviour from both my parents. My young mind began puzzling over all these factors and this was probably where my lifelong interest in communication and personality began.

The book also describes my relationship with my mother. During childhood, I would have said that she was incapable of love; she showed no affection, either verbally or physically; and she also frequently behaved in ways that would cause many to question her sanity. She would perform verbal outbursts which made no sense to anyone and she would often venomously strike out at her children for no apparent reason. Later, while developing the content of this book, I managed to truly see these situations from her point of view, which began to dispel some of my bad feelings towards her.

I also describe other episodes that relate to the book’s themes, such as how I developed a skin disease during childhood which isolated me even further, and the details of how my father would later die of loneliness.

When I left home, for the first time I found myself in seemingly normal relationships. But when I started trying to communicate about anything other than the simplest of things, I started to notice that this did not seem possible. It seemed to me that we were all essentially alone in life and that communication was our lifeline. But the more I tried to use that lifeline, the more I found that it was faulty. And then I started to notice that the people outside of my own family behaved almost as badly towards one another as my own family had done. I started to realize that the bad behaviour and communication problems that I had been studying throughout my childhood were common to most people, to some degree.

The description of my childhood and adolescent experiences introduces the themes of the book and does this in a way that, I believe, many readers would find engaging. The “tale” itself is engaging, and most readers will be able to relate to much of the content.

The following twelve chapters feature a short example conversation between two friends which went horribly wrong. The chapters analyse each of their comments in turn, looking at what each intended to communicate, and the other person’s misinterpretation. The personal history of both the friends is given in detail, so that it can be seen how they each solved the problem of putting their thoughts into words, and also how they managed to misunderstand the other person’s comments. Many real-life anecdotes are given in detail, to make the text as engaging as possible. The book is aimed at the general reader and is not a dry, academic study.

The following two chapters first summarize all the factors that are involved when we make a comment, and then when we interpret someone else’s comment.

All the above chapters also cover the subject of how we interpret a person’s personality. Most of the unpleasant personality traits that we see in other people are usually invented by our own mind. We misinterpret a person’s personality in the same way that we see wrong meanings in their words. The text clearly demonstrates how and why the two friends imagined unpleasant traits in each other and as a result, wrongly felt loathing for each other.

The final chapter is a summary of twenty four maxims for better communication. These are coined throughout the book and serve as a quick reminder of the whole of the book’s content.

Other books in this area, and what is different about my book

In recent decades, there have been a number of books published about various aspects of conversation and communication, such as:

• How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks For Big Success In Relationships, by Leil Lowndes
• How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie
• The Art of Conversation, by Catherine Blyth
• Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, by Patton, Stone and Heen
• Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, by Patterson, Grenny, Mcmillan and Switzler
• The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation in Any Situation, by Debra Fine
• Effective Communication, by John Adair
• People Skills, by Robert Bolton
• Conversation: How Talk Can Change Our Lives, by Theodore Zeldin
• How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends, by Don Gabor
• The Art of Talking to Anyone: Essential People Skills for Success in Any Situation, by Rosalie Maggio

 

These books tend to focus on techniques that enable you to make small talk at social gatherings or in work-related situations; or that enable you to broach difficult topics in any type of relationship; or that teach you various body language techniques that encourage people to pay attention to you, sympathise with you, or even find you attractive.

In contrast, The Trouble With Conversation is not about how to broach particular topics, or about making small talk to fill awkward silences or using body language techniques to get you noticed; it is about the conversations that you already have.

In everyday situations, when you have something that you want to express to your partner, friends, family, or work colleagues, how do you usually choose your words? Most of us use intuitive techniques that make our comments prone to being misinterpreted. This book explores how the other person interprets your words and how your own mind interprets theirs. It demonstrates how we routinely misinterpret everyday comments that people make, and usually in a negative way. This can often cause us to form negative ideas about the other person’s personality, to misjudge their motives and intentions, and to then develop a dislike or even hatred of them.

This book does not make any suggestions on what to say in particular circumstances, nor list techniques to use to superficially interact with people. Rather, the book is about the fabric of conversation itself. It is about the conversations that you already have, about enabling you to understand why your current words or intentions are misunderstood, and why you also misunderstand other people. It thereby gives you the tools to begin to understand other people better, and the knowledge to be able to find the words to express something in a way that is less likely to be misunderstood. The emphasis is on understanding how true communication works, about truly seeing beyond the words and managing to recognise what thoughts are in the other person’s mind—and enabling them to do the same with you.