Editing: Andrea Segovia Loses Control

When I read this story back, one month after completing it, I decided that it was lacking in substance. It had many good passages, but it seemed that Andrea’s character was superficial. I had not really portrayed her point of view. And the ending also seemed weak. And there was no strong theme to the story, no purpose for it. We needed to know more about Andrea. I needed to get inside her character. What was her internal conflicts, her inner turmoil, the forces that drove her?

I thought about her background for a few days, and came up with all the new content about her childhood, her relationship with her mother, and the background that explained her addiction to correcting other people’s mistakes; and also the detail about Jorge, her first boyfriend who was the only one she had met who knew how to kiss, and the connection between this and her mother’s passion for order. This added depth and poignancy to her, otherwise comic, dissatisfaction with Craig’s kissing ability. And I believe that the new ending is now much more powerful.

I think that all the new content has made Andrea even more sympathetic, has given her character a great deal of depth, but without losing the comic spirit of her character from the first draft of the story. She is still just as funny, but now maybe even more so, becasue of all the added poinancy and humanity in her character. But do please tell me if you disagree with this.

 

The first draft.

The final draft.

The final draft with all the additional passages marked.

 

23 May 2008