The CuriousPages Sketchbook

My “psychic” umbilical chord has been cut

For a day or two I have noticed something unusual. And now that I have realized what this feeling is, it has made me aware of just how closely connected with my mother I was.  Previously, I could always sense that she was nearby. This could only have been a “psychic” or “telepathic” connection, because there is certainly no explanation for the mechanism that enables people to communicate in this way. Previously though, I was not aware of this. I guess I took it for granted; or it was so subtle I was not consciously aware of it. But for the last two days or so, I have noticed it is not there. It is as though a part of my brain, an area of it, is now missing; or as though some extra limb, which I was not consciously aware of, is no longer there, and if I were now to attempt to lean on that limb, I would fall over.

This feeling is a little like this. If my head were the ocean, then some island within it is now no longer there. And I can feel that the “gravity” of the ocean, or of the “globe”, has changed. Once there was this island within me, this telepathic awareness of my own mother, and now it has gone.

For the first few days after she died, I was still expecting to be aware of her, of her spirit; I was even expecting her to visit me, or to let me know in some way that she was still there. But instead there was just silence. But not only silence; there was a void instead of this previously unacknowledged awareness within me of her presence somewhere on Earth.

When I could not sense her, I had initially thought she must be far away, had gone on her travels to… fulfil some purpose she had, and that she would then return and I would become aware of her presence again, like I always had been in my life up until a few days ago. But I now realize: No, she will not return. For she has gone. She does not any longer exist. That “psychic” connection within me that was always connected to her has been cut off. At the other end of it, there is now only silence, emptiness.

I have only become aware of how much of a presence within me this “psychic” connection to my mother was, now that it is no longer there.

I am now an orphan. And I am starting to get some sense of what it feels like to be an orphan, to have no “emotional connection” within you that is connected to your mother. My psychic umbilical chord has been cut and I now know what this feels like—which must be something akin to what most orphans feel like.

 

4 January 2011

 

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