CuiousPages - fiction and nonfiction
CuriousPages - fiction and nonfiction
Over the twenty or so years since, Spamming gradually increased in everyday society and today, due to the prevalence of Spamming, Samuel avoided contact with all people where possible, lest they attempt to sell him a penis enlargement product or provide him with information on a cheap source for pills to enable him to gain an endless erection, should he ever require such a thing, which, of course, he surely would do, because only winners had an endless, on-demand erection.
Samuel Pam walked into his eleven a.m. meeting and sat at the head of the conference table, around which his team were already assembled. They were due to hear a summary of the “Level 5” workgroup’s report into the eradication of the number “seven” from all arithmetic problems presented to children before the age of nine. A previous report had suggested this might remedy the fifty-fourth flaw identified in his own famous “Level 2” Spam report (the number of flaws had by now reached one hundred and twenty-eight, of which only thirty of these had so far been successfully resolved). Flaw fifty-four was of particular interest because it was thought it was this that caused people to use Spam to promote sex-related products. The whole Ministry was excited by the idea of eradicating the number “seven” from arithmetic problems because this approach had never been heard of before, and the workgroup listened in eager anticipation as Jonathan Springer, a bright, fresh-faced graduate, began the presentation.
Jonathan tapped on his laptop and a graph lit up the presentation screen. Geraldine, who was thirty-two next March and whose knees lost the ability to support her whenever she saw Jonathan, Geraldine gasped at the sight of the graph. George, who was forty-five and was taking early retirement next April, sighed impatiently at Geraldine.
Jonathan tapped another key and the following words appeared beneath the graph:
While cock enlargement surgery is expensive and sometimes dangerous, pills have been found to have no such drawbacks.
Samuel stood up and left the room. In the corridor a secretary approached him. She started to say, “You too can induce a heavenly state with your….” but he quickened his pace, stepped into his office and closed the door. His window opened onto a wide ledge which he stepped out onto, then sat on. This was his favourite spot in the building, the only place he could escape the Spammers. He sighed as he listened to the noise of the distant traffic. He looked down to the street, thought he saw someone waving up at him from the opposite pavement, then recognised the mad Spanish-looking woman who was shouting up to him and beckoning him to come down to the street. He edged back on the ledge, out of sight, and watched the windows of the building opposite, which was a call centre. He looked from window to window, watching the phone operators gesticulating at their screens. A few minutes later, he noticed someone tapping at one of the windows, apparently watching him, then recognised the Spanish-looking woman. He heard a voice, looked round and saw a man kneeling on the ledge a few windows along from him.
Sally Softly had an unusually large collection of tracksuits. The whole thing started two months ago when she suddenly noticed that Peter, her husband, was behaving strangely. He was not paying enough attention to her, so she (and she was quite within her rights to do this) she complained to him, saying, “You’re a selfish pig; you never think of anyone but yourself.”
For the next few days he watched her out of the corner of his eye, and when she had finally had enough of this, she told him, “Stop looking at me; I know what you’re thinking; don’t think I don’t.”
From then onwards he did not say another word but merely kept looking at her with his face contorted, as if in agony. From this, she deduced he was now trying to trick her into thinking she was ugly. But she was determined to not let him get the better of her, so whenever “doughnut” appeared on her shopping list, she would immediately scribble this out, write a further entry below it, drag herself out of her easy chair and stagger to the nearest sports shop to buy a tracksuit (which was the added item on her shopping list), so that she could use the tracksuit to counteract the side effects of eating doughnuts.
At 17 Misconception Boulevard, Sally was now standing in her living room, wearing one of these tracksuits. She watched her usual exercise‑spot on the carpet, when she recalled Peter looking at her that morning with that look on his face. She reflected (—I’ll teach him to try to trick me into thinking I’m ugly—I’ll do some more exercise. Not that there is any excess weight on me, mind—because there isn’t—but—just in case. Then I’ll be so attractive—even more than I am now, because I’m already quite attractive—I’ll be so attractive, men will flock to me. And when Peter sees all these other men wanting me, he’ll then want me too but I’ll reject him—ha!).
She lay on that spot on the floor and endured ten minutes of absolute agony—throughout which she attempted to pluck up the courage to begin using the tracksuit. She then raised her legs into the air—with much groaning and shuddering—and her feet kicked about wildly above her, like delirious hatchets massacring a roomful of imaginary people. She did this for fifteen whole seconds, then her legs dropped to the floor and she gasped alarmingly.

 

Fiction and nonfiction by Fletcher Kovich and also classic writers.

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