CuiousPages - fiction and nonfiction
CuriousPages - fiction and nonfiction
Over the twenty or so years since, Spamming gradually increased in everyday society and today, due to the prevalence of Spamming, Samuel avoided contact with all people where possible, lest they attempt to sell him a penis enlargement product or provide him with information on a cheap source for pills to enable him to gain an endless erection, should he ever require such a thing, which, of course, he surely would do, because only winners had an endless, on-demand erection.
Samuel Pam walked into his eleven a.m. meeting and sat at the head of the conference table, around which his team were already assembled. They were due to hear a summary of the “Level 5” workgroup’s report into the eradication of the number “seven” from all arithmetic problems presented to children before the age of nine. A previous report had suggested this might remedy the fifty-fourth flaw identified in his own famous “Level 2” Spam report (the number of flaws had by now reached one hundred and twenty-eight, of which only thirty of these had so far been successfully resolved). Flaw fifty-four was of particular interest because it was thought it was this that caused people to use Spam to promote sex-related products. The whole Ministry was excited by the idea of eradicating the number “seven” from arithmetic problems because this approach had never been heard of before, and the workgroup listened in eager anticipation as Jonathan Springer, a bright, fresh-faced graduate, began the presentation.
Jonathan tapped on his laptop and a graph lit up the presentation screen. Geraldine, who was thirty-two next March and whose knees lost the ability to support her whenever she saw Jonathan, Geraldine gasped at the sight of the graph. George, who was forty-five and was taking early retirement next April, sighed impatiently at Geraldine.
Jonathan tapped another key and the following words appeared beneath the graph:
While cock enlargement surgery is expensive and sometimes dangerous, pills have been found to have no such drawbacks.
Samuel stood up and left the room. In the corridor a secretary approached him. She started to say, “You too can induce a heavenly state with your….” but he quickened his pace, stepped into his office and closed the door. His window opened onto a wide ledge which he stepped out onto, then sat on. This was his favourite spot in the building, the only place he could escape the Spammers. He sighed as he listened to the noise of the distant traffic. He looked down to the street, thought he saw someone waving up at him from the opposite pavement, then recognised the mad Spanish-looking woman who was shouting up to him and beckoning him to come down to the street. He edged back on the ledge, out of sight, and watched the windows of the building opposite, which was a call centre. He looked from window to window, watching the phone operators gesticulating at their screens. A few minutes later, he noticed someone tapping at one of the windows, apparently watching him, then recognised the Spanish-looking woman. He heard a voice, looked round and saw a man kneeling on the ledge a few windows along from him.
In the goldfish bowl, there were two goldfish, one called Sheila Softly and the other Bruce Softly.
One year ago Sally’s previous two fish committed suicide. When she bought these two new fish, she was told they were of Australian origin. The man in the shop went on to explain:
“You see, madam, about thirty‑five or forty years ago, there was an overwhelming—” And here, he rose up on his ankles, as if to emphasize the overwhelmingness of ‘overwhelming’, “—an overwhelming demand for goldfish created by a new bylaw.” He quickly held his hand up at Sally and said, “—Don’t ask me why it was made, madam; all I know is that it was something to do with a project that nobody can now remember anything about. And that’s all I know, so don’t ask!” He put his hand down and said, “So you see, madam, to meet this demand for goldfish, a large batch was imported from an Australian goldfish farm. And these two fish, madam, are direct descendants.” He folded his arms and proudly beamed at her.
When Sally got home that day, she thought she would be kind to the fish (because she always did her best to help other people whenever she could) and to reflect their Australian origin, she gave them the names of Bruce and Sheila. But she was unfortunately unaware that both fish were male.
(At this point, I should point out that what’s about to follow may at first seem a little implausible. But if it should, I can suggest a remedy. What you should do is remember that when I’m talking about the goldfish in the way I’m about to, I am not necessarily talking literally, you understand, but am merely using the same sort of language I would if talking about a human’s experience of life, and applying this instead to the goldfish—so that this might enable us to gain an insight into the goldfish’s point of view during the following few days.)

 

Fiction and nonfiction by Fletcher Kovich and also classic writers.

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